Trigger Warning: This episode talks about suicide, body dysphoria, and assault. It includes language that some listeners might find offensive. Listener discretion is advised.
Elizah: One day, I think I was about 12, and my mom, I was talking to her and I was telling her what I liked about the dress and everything. And she stopped what she was doing and she turned and looked at me and she said, ‘Elizah. Are you?’ she said ‘Are you gay?’ And I said, ‘What is that?’ Because I had never heard that name before. I heard things like fag.
Terra: Mm-Hmm.
Elizah: But I knew that those were like cuss words, but I had never heard something, said eloquently, like my mom said. She said, ‘Elizah, are you gay?’ And I said, ‘I don't know what that is.’ She said, ‘Do you feel like you’re a girl?’ And I said, ‘I don't know.’ And I've taken this with me my whole life. And she said, ‘Whatever you feel that you are. You just be the best at it. You just be the best you.’
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Terra Lopez, Host: You’re listening to "This Is What It Feels Like," where we tell stories that deserve to be heard, directly from those who have lived them.
I’m Terra Lopez.
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Terra: My hope with this podcast series is to bring you into new territories, to present new ideas and for you to hear stories that deserve to be heard from voices that have historically been overlooked.
For our very first episode, we’re looking at what it’s like to navigate the healthcare system in the United States as a trans individual.
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Terra: Everyone’s experience is different, but I think the overall end goal is the same. Folks just want to feel seen and be heard.
You’re going to hear from three people: Elizah, Romeo, and Machu. They’re going to share their journeys with us — realizations, obstacles they came across, and the risks they took, as they continued down a path to embracing their best selves.
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“This Is What It Feels Like” to navigate the United States healthcare system as a trans person.
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Terra: I met Elizah for the first time in her apartment. Immediately I was greeted with hugs, snacks and her infectious laugh.
Elizah: (laughter)
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Elizah: My name is Elizah Claiborne Crosby, and I live in Yuba City, California.
Terra: Elizah was born in Vallejo, CA and moved all over Northern California as a kid.
Elizah: The beginning of my childhood was, I guess you would say, idyllic. My parents were together. We had a very strong unit. It was just, I guess, the ideal family life
Terra: She knew she was different at an early age. She didn’t connect with her dad and brothers, she didn’t like sports. Instead, she says that she loved hanging out with her mom, cooking, cleaning and hanging around her mom’s girlfriends.
Elizah: I was just in awe of them. And as soon as they came over, I would try to play in their hair and feelin’ their clothes. And my mom would be like, ‘Go somewhere to play,’ you know? But I always remember looking at them, thinking to myself as a kid, maybe four-ish thinking to myself like, ‘Oh my god, I'm going to be, that's what I'm going to be when I get older. Or, that's who I am.’ My feeling was that if a little girl, I felt that when people would call me ‘he’ and stuff like that, it was kind of like a cringe for me. Or it would kind of be like, ‘Don't you see what I see?’ It was my heart, it was in my brain. It was enriched in me. And as I got older, eight, nine, 10, when you're in elementary school and you know, like the boys are chasing the girls, honey, the boys were chasing me too honey. [laughs]
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Romeo: Romeo Augustine. Older than 35. Denver, Colorado.
Terra: I flew out to see Romeo at the house he just bought with his partner in a suburb near Denver. Romeo is from my hometown, and neighborhood actually — we both grew up in South Sacramento and we’ve been friends for over a decade.
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Terra: Romeo grew up with his mom, two older sisters and younger brother. He tells me, like Elizah, he also felt different at a young age.
Romeo: I always had this other independent way of like, I'm going to be who I'm going to be, and I'm going to be exactly what I'm going to be. And it's not about being a boy or girl it’s like, I'm original, and it was like 100 percent how I thought of it because I didn't have any language that there were other queer people who felt not connected to their body in this way. So I always made it about myself and in my mind and how I thought about it and when I knew that I wasn't like, quote unquote, “the other girls.” That resulted in just like, ‘I am me, I am my original self.’ I feel so grateful for the love my mother instilled in us, whether we were like dirt poor or doing OK. We were beautiful and lovely, and I wasn't willing to accept that because I didn't feel the same it made me less than.
Terra: When Romeo was 13, he was confronted about his sexuality for the first time by a friend at school.
Romeo: She was like ‘bisexual?’ and I was like, ‘Nah, not at all.’ Turns out it was so much more than just being a good, old fashioned gay. [laughs]
Terra: Romeo says that he didn’t really know what to think at that moment because he didn’t know any queer folks. No one around him was gay but he did have a family friend named Jimbo.
Romeo: And he taught me so many things to like fashion and how I put things in my closet. And no one ever told us he was gay. We didn't understand he was gay. But when we were 16 and we got pulled into the hospital because he was dying of AIDS is when it clicked to me that he was gay. And as a kid, he was just like the most fierce, lovely, human being. And I didn't even realize he was gay until I was well into being a teenager and realizing, like what was all associated with his death. And that was one of the pivotal moments in understanding. I wanted to know what it was like, every aspect of being queer.
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Machu: [Hi] My name is Machu. I'm 31 years old and I currently live in Sacramento, California.
Terra: Machu and I have been friends for nearly 15 years. And even though we’ve seen each other through a lot, we had never really talked about his journey with recently transitioning.
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Terra: So, he came over to my place one afternoon and sat down with me and told me that he also knew, as a child, he was different.
Machu: I knew that I was like, definitely queer and felt like I was born into the wrong body at a very early age, probably like as far back as I can remember, maybe even as young as three years earlier. And so I feel like a lot of my childhood was, like, very confusing for that part. Being as young as like five and the language that I had at the time, you know, saying like, I wish I was a boy or I want to wear like boy clothes or I have a crush on my best friend or like I'm in love with Posh Spice, you know, in like any way that I could like express these things that were, like, not the norm. But it was never taken seriously. I realized that I was very depressed. You know, even as young as 10, where I felt almost like suicidal because I felt like at the time would never be fully accepted for who I was, because everyone around me wasn't aware of how to be anything other than, you know, the binary or just the cultural norm in every sense. And so I didn't think a lot of things would be possible, like the life that I wanted to live, the person that I want to become felt so out of reach.
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Terra: What struck me the most in my conversations with Elizah, Romeo, and Machu was how certain they were that they were different at such a young age. They didn't quite know what that meant necessarily or how to express it but the feeling was there.
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Terra: Four years after Elizah’s mom asked her if she was gay, she started having feelings for boys. She was sixteen and this was the very early ‘90s, so she had to hide it. So Elizah tells me that she would secretly experiment with her appearance when she was alone.
Elizah: And I started doing little things like invisible makeup, like …
Terra: What is that? I’ve never heard of it.
Elizah: [laughs] The invisible makeup is like little things. I taught myself to enhance what I thought was very feminine about me, like my eyes, and I would go in the bathroom and spend hours just putting on eyeliner so that I can feel that connection, because when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw her. But when I walked out of the bathroom, I couldn't bring her out, you know, she had to stay in there.
Terra: Elizah toed the line of androgyny, but the real turning point for her came when a friend at school asked her if she could put makeup on her.
Elizah: And I was like, ‘No, I can't do that.’ She goes, ‘Elizah, you are a girl. Everyone says that’ when I'm. And so how did
Terra: How did that feel?
Elizah: Her affirming me? Yes. Oh my God. It was like, You know how when you're a kid and someone, someone goes ‘peekaboo’ and you see something and then they take it away? Then you see it again and they take it away? It was like that, like she was able to see inside of me. And then she wasn't. And then when she put the makeup on me and it was like, ‘Oh my God, girl.’ It was emotional for the both of us.
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Terra: Elizah had gotten her first glimpse and she couldn’t unsee that person. She knew she had to leave her small town.
Elizah: I'm out of here. I'm not going to die in Marysville, Yuba City, California, I'm going to L.A. and I'm going to become a star, honey!
Terra: So, Elizah moved to L.A. with big dreams. But reality soon set in when she discovered that the streets of downtown L.A. were not that glamorous. But even though the overall experience didn’t quite match up with her high hopes, she says that the move was transformational in that she met a woman that would change her life.
Elizah: And I was like, ‘Oh my God, I love your hair.’ And when I did that, she turned around and she smiled at me. And then she goes, ‘You know, I'm T-S.’ Back then it was, it was T.S. Transexual. And I said, ‘Yes,’ I'm like, ‘What is it? T.S.? And she said, ‘I wasn't born a girl.’ And my whole mouth just dropped because the moment she said that I knew that that was me, I had a connection for the first time to somebody that was me. Yes, I connected with my mom. I connected with my sisters. I connected with the beautiful girlfriends that my mom had. But I had never connected with somebody who was exactly like me. And that's when I was able to put a name to the face of me. That is the beginning of my journey as a black trans woman.
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Terra: As Elizah was discovering new possibilities in identity, Romeo was starting to question his own sexuality when he was 16.
Romeo: And you go through all the phases like, I'm bi-curious, just curious… I'm OK, I'm bisexual… OK, I'm a lesbian… I'm gender nonconforming… You know you're like, but, A) in your heart, be who you are, and you should change.
Terra: And who were you in your heart?
Romeo: So I didn't know I could want to be another gender until I saw it online at some point. I didn't know it was allowed. And so I think I started finding out like 16, 17. I asked to be called another name. I definitely felt like on the masculine spectrum of things, I felt most comfortable. But I'll be honest, like, it didn't ‘aha moment’ until I went through this art project as like a 21-year-old becoming a drag king with multiple friends and these older women who are queer women in the community of the town I lived in. And then having that moment and like feeling 100 percent whole, it broke a light through the glass that you can never pull the shades down on after that moment.
Terra: Can you walk us through that ‘aha moment’ you had?
Romeo: Just getting dressed up. And then we put facial hair on and we bound our chest in like the first time I ever bound my chest and didn't want to have that, like really recognized in my body. I was willing to, like, be in pain for hours for like ace bandage wraps at the time before I could afford binders and and I would choose pain over breasts. And it was all epiphanies and waves for me because I didn't have language to connect to it at the time. But it was always just like a feeling in my belly. And then once you learned about it, it was like, ‘Tell me more. Tell me more,’ you know? (laughter)
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Terra: Machu’s experience was similar, but also different. He says was a late bloomer and that he didn’t really feel comfortable dating until he was around 16. He says that he fully embraced his androgyny in high school and felt accepted by his friends. But even though it was 2006 and perceptions on gender had evolved, Machu was still really confused.
Machu: Getting closer to my 20s, I started trying to embrace being more feminine. You know, letting my hair grow really long, wearing more tight-fitting clothing. And so I definitely tried to embrace like, ‘OK, this is the body that I was born into, like, let me decide and see if I can make the most of it.’ And it got to the point where there was almost like too much attention. And so at a certain point, I just like shaved my head. It's annoying to be harassed, but it could also be life or death, you know, refusing someone's offer or not smiling or saying hello. And so it was, you know, going back to even my thoughts as like an eight year old and being almost afraid to blossom into like a feminine person. At a certain point, I just had enough.
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Terra: Just as Elizah was beginning to learn more about her transness, she had to move back home to Yuba City to care for her mother. There were no other trans girls around but she did find herself living vicariously through her best friend.
Elizah: She was very tomboyish and she was so beautiful, tall and I would dress her down, honey. But she never wanted to dress like that, she wanted to be rough and tough. Right? So this one year, I said, ‘I'm going to do it.’ And I said, ‘I want to wear these shorts. I want to wear this shirt.’ By this time, I still hadn't really dressed the part. But this day, I did…
Terra: Her entire family was gathering at a local park.
Elizah: We got out of the car, and if you could have seen that park, it was like every eye in the park just zoomed on me. And I took so much heat that day. My brother came up to me and was like, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ My uncle came up to me and he was absolutely furious, furious. It was the best feeling in the whole wide world. (laughter)
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Elizah: I felt so empowered. Oh my God, I felt like I was giving the middle finger to every last person in that park who ever laughed at me. Whoever said something under their breath at me, I mean, it was just the best feeling in the world. And from that day forward, I have not looked back.
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Terra: After spending years of struggling with his identity, Machu began HRT, Hormone Replacement Therapy when he was 29.
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Terra: He went to the Gender Health Center in Sacramento, where they helped him navigate the process.
Machu: I kept having to remind myself and also like, take the advice of others that like, don't expect anything immediately. You know, you might not see any real changes until after, like three months. And I was overly eager like every day, like recording my voice to notice any changes or look in the mirror. And I'm like, I still look kind of the same, you know?
Terra: Machu says that starting HRT actually brought up a lot more dysphoria for him. He felt inadequate, not masculine enough for society’s standards and was worried that he wouldn’t ever feel comfortable in his body. So, he started looking into next steps. He got a letter of recommendation from his therapist for top surgery but was quickly denied by his insurance provider.
Machu: It was just like going in circles, honestly, and was a lengthy process in itself where I kind of just gave up where I was like, I don't feel like calling and being on hold for an hour and getting transferred to this person or not having any clear answers or having to wait for the mail.I didn't have capacity at the time, so I said, you know, it's fine, like I'll just attempt to at another time.
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Terra: Over the next seven years, Romeo had to also navigate the healthcare system in order to get approved for his top surgery. He passed every single screening and psychological test with flying colors but he had to also get a letter of recommendation from his therapist. It was there where his therapist broke the news to him that he wouldn’t be able to get top surgery due to where he fell on the BMI chart, a system used by doctors to classify your weight and height.
Terra: Hold on, she was the one to tell you that news, not your doctor?
Romeo: Not my doctor.
Terra: And did she tell you this after…
Romeo: After the test. So after she was like, ‘You're definitely getting my letter of recommendation. I just have to be transparent with you that I know it's going to come up.’ She knew she was breaking bad news to me. She was like, ‘Your BMI is too high. I don't know if you're going to clear it with the surgeon.’ So sure enough, like I had an appointment with the surgeon within days of that clearance appointment and she, like, literally looked me up and down like, ‘you have to lose 100 pounds and come back.’
Terra: 100 pounds.
Romeo: 100 pounds…
Terra: How did you feel in that moment?
Romeo: I was like, so sad after that. Honestly, I did some dumb crash diets and like, started eating as little as possible and like being super unhealthy in that way. And then that went into like straight up benders, like I worked in high-end hospitality. All my friends are bartenders. And if you're sad and in your body and like binding until your underarms bleed, and you have insurance to cover a procedure that could save your being, you know, just kind of like, ‘F- it.’ And that's what it went. It was like, ‘Cool. I can't do this. We’ll, party.’ And I partied hard for a year plus.
Terra: For the next five years, Romeo says that he did a ton of research on doctors trying to find someone who would say yes to performing his top surgery, despite what his BMI numbers showed. He found her, Dr. Gallagher, who's now based in Miami, Florida, and has been performing gender-confirming surgeries on larger-bodied folks for years at her practice, Gallagher Plastic Surgery. So Romeo flew across the country in the summer of 2020.
Terra: You go into the office, day of surgery, how are you feeling?
Romeo: Nervous, excitement, fantastic, worry. Like I'm in a different state. I have to fly home right after this. Like I'm using all my money for this.
Terra: After nearly a decade of waiting, Romeo finally had his top surgery.
Romeo: It's so cliche, but like literally and figuratively a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. And it was like, yo, like it was so whole. It felt so, like, if you ever had a bunch of wonder in your soul and your heart, or in your thoughts like, ‘Oh, I just wonder..’ All of my wonder was taken away. And it created so much space for me to put stuff that I didn't have to wonder about in there.
Terra: It created more room for you.
Romeo: Literally more capacity in the human that I was possible to be…
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Romeo: was created and provided space for that in comfort of like loving myself and being the person that I was. I knew I always was.
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Terra: Being denied top surgery was also crushing to Machu, so in 2020 he decided to travel to Turkey with his then-partner to try to clear his head.
Machu: And that's where I ended up having my top surgery with no qualms whatsoever. No questions asked.
Terra: The plan was that he was only going to be in Turkey for a couple of weeks but then the pandemic happened and they found themselves in Turkey for 10 months. While chatting with a friend one night, they started talking about top surgery. After hearing about his ordeal in the States, Machu’s friend made a phone call and within minutes, he had a consult.
Machu: Guy’s looking at me and looking at my chest and he's like, ‘When do you want to do it?’ And I was like, ‘When can we?’ I'm thinking like months, you know, while he's like, ‘Come next week.’ (laughter)
Terra: Within two weeks, Machu raised the funds needed for his top surgery. He says that it cost him around $1,300. The average cost for the exact same procedure in the U.S. can range anywhere from $10,000-15,000 — sometimes even more.
But looking beyond the physical transitioning, He says he’s had to navigate the social transitioning aspects, too. Especially when it comes to his immediate family.
Machu: I feel like I've had an easier time socially transitioning with newer people in my life. Friends, acquaintances, strangers. When it comes to family and the people that have known me since I was little and pre-transitioning, it's been really hard.
Terra: How so?
Machu: You know, they still call me by my dead name, refer to me as mija, she, etc. And it makes it really hard to like, want to interact with them or be around them. But yeah, socially transitioning…Because you can be trans and never do HRT and never do surgery like those people's experiences are completely valid, their wants and desires are completely valid. You can have a beard …
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Machu: … and still want to be like, you know, feminine or non-binary. No one really has to do all the things that people think that they should do in order to be trans.
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Terra: Coming up, Machu talks about some unexpected realizations he’s had post-transition. We’ll be right back.
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Terra: Machu had gotten the top surgery he wanted for so many years. But he tells me that he’s had to come to terms with some unexpected realizations about how he’s perceived now in the world.
Machu: I wasn't prepared to feel …
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Machu: ... isolated like I am now. Sometimes just walking down the street. Me being who I am now is interpreted by other people so much more different than it was before.
Terra: How so?
Machu: Like I am or could be a threat to them. You know, they don't know my experience, but they see me for who I am now. But I have noticed the way people kind of interpret me and interact with me now versus before, like before I could casually pick up a conversation with just about anybody. You know, when I was more feminine or androgynous and didn't feel like a threat to people or potentially creepy, you know? Or now, if there is a person as a cashier and they're a femme-presenting person, they might think I'm hitting on them or flirting with them. And so I felt more recently in my transition, like just very isolated, you know, very misunderstood. Or at least feeling more like I can identify a little bit more with like femme people and women than I do with like, men, at least cis(gender) men. It wasn't something I was prepared for. I have to remind myself that this is also the human experience. I think we're all looking to be seen, you know, and we're all trying to make connection regardless of our bodies and all of that.
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Terra: Even though Elizah had put herself out there to be seen for who she was, she was still lacking that connection and community because she didn’t have any other trans folks in her life. It was around this time that she started taking black market hormone injections and birth control pills in the hopes that it would help speed up her transition process.
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Terra: One night in 2011, Elizah was assaulted by a neighbor. It was a harrowing experience that would change her life.
Elizah: I call the police. It took them three days to come to my house, home
Terra: Hold on, three days?
Elizah: Three days. It took them to come, so I was barricaded in my house because I was afraid to go outside. So the police came to my house and they treated me very nasty. They kind of chuckled at the fact, ‘You were attacked? You mean to tell me as big a– you're pretty big. You know someone attacked you?!’ And I'm like, ‘Excuse me?’
Terra: Violence against trans people is currently at an all-time high. According to the Human Rights Campaign, 2021 was the deadliest year for trans non-conforming Americans, specifically for black trans women. In addition to violence, trans people experience a greater risk of dealing with suicidal thoughts and with attempting suicide. Elizah says that after the attack, she had a mental breakdown.
Elizah: I drove myself crazy in that house. I was really at a really, really low point in my life more than I probably ever been in my life. I pretty much gave up on life itself, and I tried to commit suicide. After that happened, I told myself, ‘OK, I'm going to live. I didn't die. So I'm going to live.’ And I packed a bag and I got on the bus and I went to San Francisco.
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Terra: The issue of safety also comes up when speaking to Romeo.
Romeo: I walked into the women's restroom not realizing that I wasn't and I should not be going in there anymore. And three women were waiting in line and they, like they were startled by my presence. And that was like my first realization of like, Oh, I can't go in the women's restroom anymore because it doesn't feel safe for them. And like now, I have to choose dirty, which also feels less safe for myself. And I get to choose dirty and unsafe. And in that same moment was my first time where I had a dude in the restroom ask me, like, ‘didn’t you just walk into the women's restroom?’ And like, I was waiting for this question as a trans person.
Terra: What do you mean?
Romeo: Like you build up this fear of using the restroom and in my brain, like anytime, whenever someone was going to ask me, I was just going to tell them, ‘Mind your business’ because I was like, my, I have built that in and that that was my safety. And in that moment, my first time, this dude was like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And I was like, ‘I made a mistake.’ That’s what it’s about, and it's choices. And for trans people’s sake, we have to pee. It's clean or dirty. It's safe or not safe. It's not men or women, or stand or sit. It's clean or dirty, safe or not safe. And so many of our choices have because of how and who we choose to be. Are boiled down to that experience: is it safe, or not safe? Black trans women have it the worst. And the society pressure and the amount of of deaths every year keep rising and scaling and: safe or not safe? That's the question these women are asking themselves more times a day than most cis people have to ask themselves in an entire lifetime.
I think there's like been these like wild epiphanies that I didn't realize pre-transitioning of, like I don't physically represent a safe space for a female body, individuals.
Terra: What do you mean by that?
Romeo: Like, say, something's coming and you're running down an alley and there's a woman in front of the alley. Like before she probably be like, ‘Oh shit, we're running together. We're not safe. Get out of here.’ And now it's more like I'm the danger. (laughs) I'm running away. Yeah. Like, I need to run away. Like, I don't know. Like, it's unfortunate in our society that like women don't get to feel safe in public often. But before when I was to the naked eye a masculine, female-bodied human to now, like this person is a dude. I am not like… you get viewed through the world differently now.
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Terra: Safe or not safe. Elizah was thinking just that as she left all of her stuff and her previous life behind to start over in San Francisco. She found herself there at a local homeless shelter but knew she wouldn't be safe when they told her she'd be placed on the men's side of the shelter. She finally tracked down the San Francisco LGBTQ center, where she was greeted by a receptionist who suggested a shelter called A Woman’s Place.
Elizah: She goes, ‘It's a place for trans and biological women.’ And I said, ‘Oh, OK,’ I said, ‘Have you ever been there?’ She goes, ‘Yeah, I have been there.’ She goes ‘Hon, I'm trans.’ Every time that I'm encountered by these women, it's like, you don't know, you know what I'm saying? And then they come out and it's like your guardian angel. And I got to A Woman's Place and I was like, ‘Oh my God.’ It was like a place out of a nightmare.
Terra: Elizah says A Woman’s Place had zero privacy. She had to sleep on the floor. It was loud and dirty.
Elizah: But it became the most beautiful situation of my life, and it got me to this woman that I am today, where I am an activist, where I was educated in black trans history, where I was able to reconnect with my spirit, with this spirit and where I was able to finally solidify my place on this Earth as the woman that I was born to be. It was there that I found my life.
Terra: Within two weeks, Elizah had three jobs, went back to school, got a therapist, reconnected with a hormone-replacement therapy program and built incredible bonds with fellow trans women.
Elizah: And one of the best parts. It's where I met my husband.
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Elizah: I've made a life for myself in San Francisco. I swear you can tell me that I wasn't Carrie Bradshaw of the Sex and the City because I soaked that city life up.
Terra: Elizah was in her element and content with the life she was building for herself, and then came Alonzo.
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Elizah: I got on the bus and I seen him, and I knew that he was going to try to say something to me. So I sat at the front of the bus behind the driver. So when I got off at the next stop, he must have gotten off at the next stop. But I did not see him. But when I got to the stoplight and it was red, I felt a tap on my shoulder. And I turned around and I'm like, ‘what?’ He had a smile on his face. That was just, I was just like, ‘Oh my God, he's so handsome.’ But I didn't want to show him that, and I'm like, ‘What?’ And he's like, ‘Where are you going?’ I'm like, ‘I'm going to school.’ It's like, ‘OK, put your number on my phone.’ So I put my number in. And he goes, ‘I want to take you out on the date.’ And I said, ‘I'm going to Sacramento tomorrow and I'm going to be there for the whole weekend.’ And he's like, ‘OK, well, when you come, when you come back, I'll take, I want to take you on a date.’ And I'm like, ‘OK, whatever.’
Terra: Elizah went to Sacramento for the weekend and says she didn't think she'd ever hear from Alonzo again. But as the Greyhound bus pulled into San Francisco that Monday, he was there waiting for her.
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Elizah: I saw him walking down the street. (laughs) So we've been together ever since.
Terra: They've been together for 10 years and married for four. Though Elizah tells me that Alonzo's had to undergo his very own type of transition throughout their relationship.
Elizah: My husband is a heterosexual man and my transness I am a heterosexual woman. My husband is a man who has led a heterosexual lifestyle his whole entire life. He has children and he's never been with a trans woman and he's never been with a gay man. I asked him, ‘why? What made you say something to me?’ And he said, ‘At first, when I first looked at you, I didn't know.’ He said ‘It wasn't until I got to you. It wasn't until then that I was like, Wow, she's trans.’ I said, ‘OK, and what made you?’ He says ‘it was just something about,’ he said, ‘I wanted to know you.’ He said ‘I wanted to know what was behind that.’ He walked me home that night from the Greyhound, and I knew … I didn't know that we would be married or anything like that, but I knew that he was going to be a part of my life story, my love story.
[Hopeful music swells and fades under and ends]
Terra: As we’re wrapping up the conversation, the word joy comes up.
Elizah: What brings me joy in my day-to-day is when I go to my mailbox and my mailman says ‘here you go ma’am.’ My joy comes from my story and all that I've overcome. I'm blessed. I'm blessed. I've done drugs. I've been sexually abused. I've, you know, went through dysphoria. I am in my latter 40s. I'm still alive. I'm healthy. Those are blessings. I'm blessed because it could have been different. That's my testament to the girls who are coming up to me. That's why I go hard. I know women who are in their 70s and their 80s. Okay? Trans women. They’re still making moves. They’re still making change. I got to walk down the aisle with my Dad, a man who grew up in the 50s. A man who is uber-masculine. A man who is a man of faith, of God. And he walked me down the aisle. And when the pastor said, ‘Who gives this woman away?’ he said, ‘I do.’ That brought me joy.
Terra: I asked Elizah specifically about how she believes non-trans people can support trans folks.
Elizah: We need task forces. We need people to be lobbying, policies in place, so that this won't happen. You have to be more than woke to be an ally, okay? You have to be in it. If you're not in the LGBT community and you're an ally to the community, then do your lobbying. Go stand out in front of the Capitol. You don't have to know a trans person to be an ally for them, to be a voice for them. You have to step up. You have to stand up and stand in. And you have to get in there and do more than what me and my sisters are doing. You have to do more. That’s allyship. If it’s not happening that way, then it don't really mean nothing. You just at the rally, boo.
[Theme music begins in full and goes under]
Terra: Machu tells me that he practices gratitude on a daily basis while trying to focus on the people that are in his life and see him for who he is.
Romeo recently got his real estate license and is determined to help other trans folks buy their first homes. He’s happy and despite the work that it’s taken to get to where he’s at – emotionally, physically, mentally – he says it was all worth it.
Elizah turned 47 this year. She spends her time mentoring trans women across the country.
Elizah: You make your own narrative because that's the only way that you're going to honestly and truly be able to be authentic to you.
Terra: On the next episode of “This Is What It Feels Like”
[Catcall story submission: I was too afraid to say the fuck you that was on my mind. I was too afraid because I was standing in the street alone.]
Terra: I go back to where the idea for this podcast all started from… an art exhibit that put men on the opposing side of catcalling. We look at the impacts of street harassment - the physical, mental and emotional toll it can take and hear from female-presenting folks firsthand about what we can do about it.
Thanks for listening to “This Is What It Feels Like.”
[Theme music is head in clear and ends]
This Is What It Feels Like Is a production of CapRadio. Hosted and produced by me – Terra Lopez.
Jen Picard produced and edited the show. Sally Longenecker is our executive producer.
Paul Conley is our sound designer.
Original theme song and music produced by Wes Jones.
Chris Bruno is in charge of marketing. Our designs were created by Marissa Espiritu. Renee Thompson is our Digital Products Manager.
We had input on this episode from: Jamison Henninger, Mo’Nique, and Ebony Ava Harper.
I want to thank Elizah Clareborne Crosby, Romeo Augistine, and Machu for sharing their powerful stories with us.
Lastly, I want to thank Carl & Sue Miller whose generous gift was instrumental in making this podcast come to life.
If you want to make sure you don’t miss any episodes, follow or subscribe to this podcast. We’ve got links to resources in our show notes. For photos of our guests and more information, visit capradio.org/feels.
Thanks for listening to “This Is What It Feels Like.”
